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Text File | 2002-08-23 | 56.3 KB | 1,213 lines

From the JOKIN' AROUND DISK by LEEJAN ENTERPRISES P.O. Box 66. Happy Valley. South Australia. 5159. The reason they bury politicians 26 feet under is because deep down they're nice guys. We the willing, Led by the unknowing, Are doing the impossible, For the ungrateful. And have done so much With so little For so long, That we are now capable of doing anything With nothing. What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? A doberman. This lady goes to see her doctor for a physical. After the examination, the doctor tell's the lady she is perfectly healthy except for this peculiar rash on her chest, shaped like the letter "Y". She explains, "My husband went to Yale, and when we make love, he like's to wear his letterman's sweater, and I get a rash." Time goes by, another woman comes for a physical, same thing. Perfectly healthy except for a peculiar rash on her chest shaped like the letter "H". The woman explain, "My husband went to Harvard, when we make love, he likes to wear his letterman's sweater, and I get an "H" shaped rash. Still more time passes. Another woman arrives for a physical. Again, perfectly healthy, except for a rash shaped like the letter "M" on her chest. This time the doctor speaks. "Your physical went okay, you are in perfect health, and I'll bet by the shape of that rash, I can tell you something about your husband...He went to Michigan State didn't he ?" "Why no" she says, "He went to Wisconsin...why do you ask?" Did you hear about the young doe who staggered from the woods after one of her regular libidinous sessions? As she staggered up to her other doe friends, she said "I'll never do that for ten bucks again!" Whats the difference between sheep and women? Sheep can't cook! Did you hear what Quayle said when the reporters asked him about the resignation of Justice Brennan? "That's too darn bad. I always liked the guy, even before he was on the Court. I just keep hoping they'll start rerunning "The Real McCoys" on cable -- Brennan's best work, for my money." There were the usual four couples on the Dating Game (Cable was out so I couldn't get CNN). I won't try to re-produce the actual order of the contestants involved -- it ads unessesary confusion to what happened. QUESTION: What's the most embarrasing thing your husband does in the bedroom? WIFE #1: He wears my underwear. (As the audience laughs, there is a rustle as divorce lawers get their cards ready.) WIFE #2: He picks his nose. (Or something harmeless like that.) Then they bring the husbands out. QUESTION: Gentlemen, what do you think your gave as the answer to this question: What is the most embarrasing thing you do in the bedroom? HUSBAND #1: Um...I pick my nose. (EHHHHHHHH. Wife holds up card saying "Wears her underwear.) HUSBAND #2: (Well, might as well get the points, he thinks.) I wear her underwear. (EHHHHHHHH. Wife holds us card saying, "Picks his nose.") This is much funnier if told in person. Point is, the first guy can at least get mad at his wife. But the second guy has no one to blame but himself. "Bachelor number 1, please fill in the blank: I can never eat ______ without getting it all over my face." QUESTION: Where was the first place you and your wife made whoopee?" ANSWER: Wr fc dwvv! -- Code! I heard that someone was on the newlywed game and they asked "where is the oddest place you two made whoopie?" she replied, "that would be in the butt, bob!" Guide: "This castle has stood here for 600 years. Not a stone has been touched; nothing altered, nothing replaced." Visitor: "They got the same landlord I got." Marriage is proof that people can take a joke. Don't ignore the panhandler who asks you for a dime for a cup of coffee. Give it to him. Then follow him and find out where they still sell coffee for a dime. It's getting so you can't look at the right-hand side of the menu without losing your appetite. What do you get if you cross a badger with a ground hog? Six more weeks of bad football. A highly competitive foursome was going around the golf course on a sweltering summer day. One of the group had a sun stroke -- and the others made him count it. The first thing a child learns when he gets a drum is that he'll never get another one. Income taxes could be a lot higher. Just think if everyone paid what they thought they were worth. You're getting old when you no longer avoid temptation. Tempation avoids you. The nurse was calling on her home-care patient, who was hard of hearing, among other things. Looking at him, she exclaimed, "You have a suppository in your ear!" "Ahiah?" said the man as he cupped his ear. "You got a suppository in your ear." "Ahiah. Gotta speak louder." After another try, the nurse pulled the suppository out of her patient's ear and, pointing to it, said, "You had a suppository in your ear." "Jeez," said the man, looking at the suppository. "Now I know where I put my hearing aid." Old Age? That is when it takes all night to do what you use to do all night. Many cars have tigers in their tanks, but there are even more that have monkeys behind their steering wheels. "Please excuse Harriet for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday." "Please excuse my son's tardiness. I forgot to wake him up, and I did not find him until I started making the beds." If the world is going to hell, why are we in such a confounded hurry to get there? Trouble with good advice is that we often learn how good it is after not taking it. A famous lawyer died and, unexpectedly, showed up at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter came out to welcome him, and as the Gates opened the lawyer saw a banner which welcomed him, the first 457 year old man. The lawyer was confused. He said to St. Peter "I don't understand. When I died, I was 63 years old, not 457." St. Peter was now confused, and said "Why, you must be 457 years old. We added up all the hours you billed your clients, so you've got to be 457!" What do you have if you bury 1000 lawyers up to their necks in sand? A shortage of sand. Three good ol' boy lawyers were driving the rural backroads in their pickup truck one day, when they came across a huge hog ranch. They noticed that one of the hogs had evidently escaped, but then tried to get back through the fence and was stuck firmly, head inside the fence and hind quarters out. The pig was wiggling furiously. One of the lawyers said "I wish that pig was Dolly Parton!" The second lawyer said "I wishe that pig was Racquel Welch!" The third lawyer said "I just wish it was dark!" Well, I tried it. To improve my health and the quality of my life, I gave up booze, sex, rich foods, and late-night parties. It was the toughest ten minutes of my life. SIX PHASES OF A PROJECT ========================= * Enthusiasm * Disillusionment * Panic * Search For The Guilty * Punishment Of The Innocent * Praise And Honors For The Non-Participants Hey everyone, I just saw a brand new Broadway show based on the dictionary ---------------- it was a play on words. What would you do if your were in a large room, all sealed up, no windows, the door was locked, and there were 5 hungry tigers, 32 vultures, 17 spitting cobras, 213 tarantulas, 1 laywer, and you had a gun with only two bullets? Shoot the lawyer twice. Ok, this big, ugly, mean looking cowboy walks into the bar with this great big snapping turtle on his shoulder. He stomps up to the bar and drinks three or four shots of red-eye, then says: "I'm the meanest, ugliest cowboy in this whole county!" Some guys at the bar chuckle. "Ya don't believe me, huh? Well, I'll show ya all just how mean I am!!!" And the cowboy unzips his pants, drags out his rod, picks up the snapping turtle and slaps it in the head a few times, then puts the raucus reptile down at his waist. You guessed it, the turtle clamps down on his maleness, and the cowboy walks up and down the bar with this turtle hanging from his sack. When the cowboy gets to the other side of the bar, he pokes the turtle in the eyes, and the turtle lets go. The cowboy zips up his pants, and says: "OK - any of you milk drinking wimps want to try that???" And someone in the back of the bar says (with a feminine slant): "OK - but only if you promise not to poke me in the eyes..." What's the best way to get a hold of a lawyer? By the neck... Why did the lawyer hang out at the train station? Someone told him that's where the SOO Line was... What's the difference between a lawyer and a hooker? There is none - they'll both screw you. How do you know if a lawyer is lying to you? It depends if he has opened his mouth... What's the difference between an elephant and an lawyer's head? 730 Pounds. How do you make up the difference? Force feed the elephant. What's the easiest way to get away from a lawyer? Buy a faster ambulance. What should you do if you find three lawyers buried up to their neck in cement? Run and find some more cement! What's a good example of a missed opportunity? A bus-load of lawyers going over a cliff with one empty seat. How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb? How many can you afford? What's the difference between a dead skunk and a dead lawyer by the side of the road? The skunk has skid marks leading up to it. Why do lawyers carry excrement in their wallets? For identification. A trial attorney and personal injury lawyer jump out of airplane at the same time. Who hits the ground first? Who cares. What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. of 146? The State Bar. Did you hear about the Lawyer who thought asphalt was a rectal problem? Did you hear about the female lawyer that wanted to trade in her menstrual cycle for a Honda? Why would anyone have sex with a lawyer? ...you really want to get screwed... OR ...you have no other way to time a three minute egg... OR ...your'e tired of doing it with your own species. A banker, an engineer and a lawyer were driving down a road when suddenly, their car broke down. Seeing a farm house near by, they decided to stop by and ask if they could sleep over night while their car was being repaired. "Sure", replied the farmer, "...but I only have two spare beds - one of you will have to sleep in the barn." The engineer decided that he would sleep in the barn. Ten minutes later, there was a knock at the bedroom door. "I can't sleep in the barn - there is a cow in the barn and I am Hindu." So, the banker agreed to sleep in the barn. Ten minutes later, there was a knock at the door: "I can't sleep in the barn - there is a pig in the barn, and I am Jewish." The lawyer said "I know what you're up to, but I'll go", and so the lawyer went out the barn. Sure enough, ten minutes later, there was a knock at the door - the cow and the pig. This guy has the urge, and he isn't interested in a right handed honeymoon. So he gathers up all his money ($18.00) and goes down to the whore house. The madam asks how much money he has - he says "$18.00!!!" but is disappointed to learn that all the girls are busy, and usually won't even LOOK at you unless you have $50.00. "But" says the madam "old Hildegard may take you for $18.00..." The john says "OK - I'm desperate - send her in!" So the john goes into the room and strips. There comes a feeble knock at the door, and in steps old Hildegard: a decrepit, wrinkled, smelly old woman with a hump in her back. "Gawd" the john says - I can't do it to YOU! The old woman says - relax, how much money do you have - "$18.00, why?" - alright I'll take you, but I can't do it like I used to ... you'll have to do it here - ...and she pops out her glass eye. Suddenly, the john is overcome with second thoughts - "I can't do it THERE!" Alas, the john was just tooo horny to say no. So he did it - RIGHT THERE IN THE OLD EYE SOCKET! and you know what? IT WAS THE BEST HE HAD EVER HAD!!! So after he's done, he asks the old woman if he can come back next week and maybe have some of the same... The old woman says "...bring your $18.00 -- I'll keep an eye out for you!" Hear about the Polish Hooker who catered only to Lepers? She didn't make much money but she sure got a lot of tips! Why did the leper go back to the showers? He left his Head & Shoulders! A man called his doctor and told him he had a problem with his wife - she has a bowel movement at seven o'clock every morning. "That's perfectly normal," the doctor said. "But we don't get out of bed until nine!" These two drunks at a bar go to the bathroom to take a leek. When they are done, one of them forgets to zip up his fly. So after they sit back down, one drunk says, "Hey I saw a snake sitting on that stool as you sat down. As a matter of fact, I can still see it's head." So he grabs a bottle, and smashes it onto the other man's penis. "Hit it again," says the other man, "it just bit me." The doctor wanted to write a prescription, so he reached in his pocket and pulled out a thermometer. "Damn," he muttered, "Some asshole has my pen." What's the difference between your wife and your job? After 10 years the job still sucks! Have you heard that Karen Carpenter's surviving brother, Richard, has put out a new hit song? It's called, "She Ain't Heavy, She's My Sister." What are two things in the air that can make a woman pregnant? Her legs! Two perfect strangers were talking to each other. One of them said, "If you were to wake up in the woods with vaseline smeared all over your rear, would you tell anyone?" The other one said, "Of course not!" The first man said, "Oh, then would you like to go camping?" How are fat girls and mopeds alike? They're both fun to ride until your friends find out. Why are pubic hairs curly? You'd poke your eye out if they weren't! Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar. One complained to the other, "Boy, business stinks. If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to lose my focking ass." Too late he noticed a beautiful blonde sitting two stools away. Immediately, he apologized for his bad language. "That's okay," the blonde replied, "If I don't sell more ass this month, I'm going to lose my focking car." Three nuns got lost downtown and ran into some not so clean guys. They go to the Mother Superior and the first nun says, "I saw this man's penis what should I do?" Mother Superior says, "Go wash out your eyes with holy water." The second nun comes up and says, "I touched a man's penis what should I do?" Mother Superior says, "Go wash your hands with holy water". While the first two nuns are cleansing themselves with holy water the third nun shouts, "Stand aside I have to gargle!" Three nuns die and go to heaven, at the pearly gates they are confronted by Saint Peter who says "Well girls before you can get into heaven you must answer a question." Saint Peter asks the first nun, "Who was the first man on earth?" She says, "Oh thats easy, that was Adam." Birds sing, bells ring, the gates open up and she goes into heaven. So Saint Peter asks the second nun "Who was the first woman on earth?" She says "Oh thats easy that was Eve." Same thing happens - birds sing, bells ring, and she goes into heaven. So Saint Peter says to the third nun "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?" She sits and thinks for awhile and says "Boy that's a hard one." Birds sing, bells ring, the gates open up and she goes into heaven! Two ministers were discussing the lack of morals in the modern world. "I didn't sleep with my wife before we were married," said one clergyman self-righteously. "Did you?" "I don't know," said the other. "What was her maiden name?" What is the difference between an angry rooster and a lawyer? In the morning a rooster gets up and clucks defiance. Please help me find my lost dog. Here is his description: One eye Three legs Ears chewed off Broken tail Recently castrated Answers to the name "Lucky" Why are Aggie women like a Hockey team? Because they both shower after 3 periods. did you hear about the new George Bush bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken? It is full of right wings and assholes. What has a thousand teeth and eats weinies? A zipper. What do you call a gay Jew? A Heblew. What's brown and full of holes? Swiss shit. Where do you get virgin wool? From ugly sheep. What do you call a man who puts his tool in another man's mouth? A dentist. An Israeli was sitting between two Arabs on a long airplane flight. He had just removed his shoes and gotten comfortable when one of the Arabs nudged him and said,"Hey, Jew, go get us some orange juice." To avoid any trouble, the Israeli did so. When he left, both Arabs spit in his shoes. The Israeli came back with the juice, which the Arabs gulped down. The rest of the flight was uneventful. The plane landed, and the Israeli put on his shoes and felt the squishing inside. He turned to the Arabs and said,"If there is ever going to be peace in the Middle East, the Arabs will have to stop spitting in the shoes of Jews, and the Jews will have to stop pissing in the Arabs' orange juice." Three doctors were talking about the amazing things being done in medicine. The first said,"Six weeks ago a man came in after losing a hand in an accident just as a car crash victim was brought in dead on arrival. I took a hand from the dead man and sewed it on the worker's stump, and today he's out looking for a job." The second physician said,"That's not so amazing. Six months ago I gave a blind man a pair of dead man's eyes, and today he's out looking for a job." The third doctor said,"Neither of those cases tops this one. A year and a half ago we took an asshole out of California, put it in the White House, and today everybody is out looking for a job." A well dressed lawyer went into a bar for a martini and found himself beside a scrungy-looking drunk who kept mumbling and studying something in his hand. The attorney leaned closer while the drunk held the tiny object up to the light,slurring "Well, it looks like plastic." Then he rolled it between his fingers,adding,"But it feels like rubber." Curious, the lawyer asked, "What do you have there mister?" The drunk stammered,"Damn if I know, but it looks like plastic and feels like rubber." The lawyer said,"Let me take a look." And the drunk handed it over. The attorney rolled it between his thumb and fingers, then examined it closely. "Yeah, it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, but I don't know what it is. Where did you get it anyway?" The drunk replied, "Outa my nose." Q: What's the difference between black pussy and a bowling ball? A: You can eat a bowling ball! With the sun beginning to rise, the cabin of the jetliner was suddenly illuminated. "Who turned on the fucking lights?" a male passenger, who had been surly since boarding, snarled at a stewardess. The girl had had enough of this particular character."These are the breakfast lights, sir," she answered with forced sweetness. "The fucking lights are much dimmer, and you snored right through them." Even though a fellow was late for his flight, he dashed into the airport men's room, pissed,and quickly headed for the door. At one of the sinks a Marine sergeant was washing his hands. The Leatherneck called to the man, "Hey, buddy, in the Marine Corps they teach us to wash our hands after going to the bathroom." The fellow stepped back into the men's room and looked at the Marine. "Well, I was in the Navy, Sarge, and they taught us not to piss on our hands!" Bill had just returned from a week of honeymooning, and his best friend asked him how it went. "The first night we did it nine times," Bill said."The second night, eight times. The third night, seven times. The fourth night, six times. The fifth night, five times. The sixth night, four times, and the last night, nothing!" "Nothing?" his pal asked. "How come?" "Hey, you ever tried putting a marshmallow in a parking meter?" A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?" "Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man." "Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does." Two high-school buddies were attending the senior prom. "Suzy wants to go out to my car. She's really hot," one boy said. "I'm really nervous. I know I'll goof up!" "Take it easy," his friend assured him. "All you gotta do is compliment her. Chicks love to be complemented. You'll have her in the palm of your hand." About a half-hour later the young man came back, rubbing a black eye. "Shit, man! What happened to you?!" his buddy asked. "I took your advice." "Didn't you compliment her?" "sure I did. We got in my car and started kissing. I told her that for such full lips, hers sure tasted sweet. She liked that. After a while I started feeling her tits, and I told her that for such large breasts they sure were firm. She like that too." "It sounds like you were doing great," his friend said. "Well," the other answered, "that's when everything went wrong. I got her dress up and her panties off, and I tried to think of another compliment." "What did you say?" "For such a large crack, it doesn't stink much." While making his Saturday Confession, this golfer told the priest, "Father, I've used profanity and taken the name of the Lord in vain. However, I only do it when I play golf, and then only when I get angry." The priest said, "My son, you know I play golf, too. But I can't imagine getting angry enough over a game to take the Lord's name in vain. Can you give me an example?" The golfer said, "Sure. Take this last Saturday. I hit this beautiful tee shot on the 7th fairway -- dead center and about 290 yards. It hit the only rock in the fairway, took a 90 degree carom, and flew into the rough. But I didn't get angry over that." "I went after the ball, and hit a marvelous iron that curved around a tree and went directly towards the green. Imagine my surprise when the ball hit a bird on the wing and dropped into a sand trap! But that didn't make me angry either." "I chipped it out of the trap, laying it but six inches from the cup ..." Whereupon the priest exclaimed, "Jesus Christ, don't tell me you missed the fucking putt?!? Clark Gable and the Pope died on the same day. Due to a celestial bureaucratic snafu, the Pope was sent to hell. And Clark Gable went to heaven. The Pope, obviously in the wrong place, wasn't there five minutes before he had convinced those in charge of the mistake. In the blink of an eye, the Pope was whisked to the pearly gates. As he walked through the portals, he encountered Gable coming out. "I'm truly sorry about this, by son," said the sympathetic pontiff, "but I've waited my whole life to kneel at the feet of the Blessed Virgin Mary." Gable flashed his world-famous grin. "Too late, padre," he said. There was a man who died and went to Heaven. When he got there, he noticed clocks all over the place, just ticking away. So he asked St. Peter, "What are all those clocks for?" St. Peter said, "Oh, each clock represents a person on earth; every time the person masturbates, the clock moves ahead an hour." So the man said, "Well, where's Boy George's clock?" St. Peter said, "That one is in the kitchen; we're using it as a fan." Three men (a Catholic, a Protestant and a Mormon) were sitting in a bar having a few drinks and started discussing their families. The Catholic said "I have four sons - one more son and I'll have my own basketball team". The Protestant said "I have eight children - one more child and I'll have own baseball team". The Mormon replied "I have seventeen wives - one more wife and I'll have my own golf course"!! NOAH WAY! 1. And the LORD said unto Noah, Where is thine ark, which I did command that thou shouldst build? 2. And he said, Verily, I have had three carpenters to be taken ill. The supplier of gopher-wood hath let me down--yea, even have I had mine order in for forty weeks. What can I do, LORD? 3. And the LORD said unto him, Thou shalt finish that ark even after seven days and seven nights. And Noah said, It shall be so. 4. And lo, it was not so. And the LORD said unto Noah, What seemeth to be thy trouble this time? 5. He replied unto him, My subcontractor hath quitted his trade for want of shekels. The pitch which thou didst desire that I should smear on the outside and on the inside is not arrived. 6. The plumber refuseth to labour for that I pay not enough. Shem my son, which hath holpen me on the ark side of the business, hath gathered unto himself a pop group with Ham and Japheth his brethren. Verily, LORD, I am undone. 7. Whereas the LORD became wroth and said, And what hast thou done about the animals, male and female of every sort, which I have commanded thee to bring into the ark for to keep alive their seed upon the face of the earth? 8. And Noah said, They have been delivered unto another arkbuilder, but ere the third day hence they shall surely arrive. 9. Then saith the LORD: And the unicorns, and the fowls of the air by sevens? And Noah wrung his hands and wept, saying, O LORD, unicorns are a discontinued line and cannot be had for love nor money. And fowls of the air are sold only in half-dozens. Indeed, LORD, thou knowest how it is? 10. And the LORD in his wisdom said unto him, Noah my son, I know. For why else thinkest thou that I shall flush the heavenly crapper on you? ----- From LeeJan Enterprises - P.O. Box 66. Happy Valley. S.A. 5159.----- THE DAY THE COMPUTER BROKE DOWN On this particular day, the computer broke down, making it impossible for St. Peter to give out assignments for the new arrivals. Instead, St. Peter had to send the arrivals back to Earth in a different form until the system was fixed. St. Peter asked the first arrival what he would like to go back to Earth as. The arrival replied that he always wanted to be free and fly like a bird. So, St. Peter sent him back as an eagle. The second arrival said that he always liked the ocean and envied the sealife. St. Peter sent him back as a sperm whale. The third arrival told St. Peter that he always wanted to be a "stud". Shortly thereafter, the system was fixed, and the Lord told St. Peter that it was time to bring back anyone sent back to Earth. St. Peter replied that it would take some time to locate them. The Lord asked why. St. Peter said that the first arrival was sent back as an eagle and that he was soaring somewhere in the rockies. The Lord asked where the second arrival was. St. Peter replied that he was going to be more difficult to locate since he was a sperm whale swimming somewhere in the Pacific Ocean. The Lord then asked about the third arrival. St. Peter said that he would be the hardest of all to find since he was on a Goodyear tire somewhere in Cincinnati. Two nuns were strolling through the park at dusk, when two men jumped them, ripped off their habits, and proceeded to rape them. Sister Gregory, bruised and battered, looked up at the sky, and said softly "Forgive him for he knows not what he does." Sister Theresa looked over to her and said "Mine does!" Budweiser marketing executives held their annual planning session with their advertising agency. The ad agency gave them a new and FABULOUS plan. Irving Schlock, the ad agency account exec, suggested that Budweiser offer the Pope $1 Mil.á per year if he will send out an edict changing the Lord's Prayer line from "Give us this day our daily bread", to "Give us this day our daily Bud". The Bud execs thought this was fantastic and shipped off a staff rep to Rome to make the offer. The rep only got to see a bishop, who ordered him thrown out amid cries of "Sacrilege!!". He returned to the Pres. of Bud, who told him to return to Rome, and to up the offer to $1 mil per month. This time the Bud man gets in to see a Cardinal, tells him about the proposed change from "Give us this day our daily bread" to "Give us this day our daily Bud". The Cardinal, enraged, also has him thrown him out, saying, "The Lord's Prayer is NOT for sale, commercialistic swine !". Back to the Bud President he went. This time the pres. said that he had certain connections and would make some calls in advance, guaranteeing the rep would see the Pope himself, not just some flunkies. Also, said the pres., offer the Pope $1 mil a week. "This is so big we can't miss it. It'll blow Miller out of the water". Back in the Vatican, the Bud rep enters a room filled with the church hierarchy, begins to give his presentation - cries of "out" begin, when the Pope comes in. He asks that the rep be heard in a respectful manner, but first wants to leave for a moment. He goes down the hallway to his business manager's office. Entering, he says "Guido, get out the Lord's Prayer file." "Sure, your Holiness, what do you need to know ?" How long before our deal expires with Pepperidge Farm ?" Three nuns were talking about their most moving experiences. The first nun said "My most moving experience was when I received my first holy communion." The second nun said "My most moving experience was when I took my final vows." The third said "My most moving experience was when Mother Superior gave me my first enema and you know how cross-eyed she is!" There was a spinster schoolteacher who was plain, skinny and with an impediment in her speech. She longer for a man and used to comfort herself by reading respectable erotic stories, namely the 'Adventures of the Great Classical Gods'. This only made her worse, but one night a strange thing happened - she dreamed that a big blonde naked man came to her bed, ripped off her nightgown, and raped her again and again. In the morning as he was about to depart, she begged him to stay. "I must return to Valhalla," he said, "I'm Thor." "Tho am I, but wathent it marvelouth." A virile young man went to his friend, a pharmacist, asking for some Spanish fly because he had two hot (very, very hot) dates that night and didn't want to disappoint them. The pharmacist told his friend that he could not give him the Spanish fly, it was illegal, and he could get in much trouble for it. The young man begged and begged, and finally his friend gave in and supplied him with some Spanish fly. The next day, the young man entered his friends pharmacy looking mighty tousled and worn out. The pharmacist said, "You look terrible! What happened?" His friend then dropped his pants to show just how terrible he indeed looked; his privates were bruised, swollen, and generally abused. The young man moaned, "I need some Ben Gay". The pharmacist exclaimed, "Ben Gay! You can't put Ben Gay on THAT!". The young man then said, "I know, I need it for my arms, the girls never showed up"!!! So the teacher instructs her third-grade class to give a three-syllable word and use it in a sentence. Several pupils raise their hands, in- cluding Dirty Johnny. The teacher passes right over him and chooses Sally. "Beautiful", says Sally. "My teacher is beautiful." "Why, thank you" the teacher says. "Anyone else?" Again, several hands, including Dirty Johnny's, are waving. The teacher chooses Mary. "Wonderful", says Mary. "My teacher is wonderful." Again the teacher thanks her student and asks for another answer. Reluctantly, she chooses Johnny. "Urinate" says Johnny. "Johnny" the teacher cries in shock. "Urinate" says Johnny again, "but if your tits were bigger, you'd be a ten." Then there's the one about the man who gets stranded on an island some- where in the Pacific, with the only living creatures besides himself being a dog and a young lamb. After a few months, the man starts to get pretty horny, and the lamb starts to look better and better to him. So the man gets the lamb, and just as he trying to screw the lamb, the dog starts to growl and pull at his pant leg, and won't let him do it. This happens a few more times, until the man abandons the idea. About a week later, the man is hanging out on the beach under a palm tree, when he sees a form on the ocean coming over the horizon. So when the object gets closer, he wades out to the coral reef, and pulls in a life raft upon which is a very beautiful girl, unconcious. So he pulls the raft on shore, and revives the girl. When she awakes, she says to the man 'Oh, I'm so grateful that you saved my life, I'll do ANYTHING to repay you!' The man asked 'ANYTHING?' And she says 'O yes, anything!' So the man thinks for a minute and says 'OK, hold this dog for about half an hour!' Harry was delighted when he found a young woman who accepted his propos- al of marriage, as he was sensitive about his wooden leg and a bit afraid no one would have him. In fact, he couldn't bring himself to tell his fiancee about his leg when he slipped the ring on her finger, nor when she bought the dress, nor when they picked the time and place. All he kept saying was, "Darling, I've got a big surprise for you," at which she blushed and smiled bewitchingly. The wedding itself came and went, and the young couple were at last alone in their hotel room. "Now don't forget, Harry, you promised me a big surprise," said the bride. Unable to say a word, Harry turned out the lights, unstrapped his wooden leg, slipped into bed , and placed his wife's hand on the stump. "Hmmmmm," she said softly, "that IS a surprise. But pass me the Vase- line, and I'll see what I can do." After his first wife died, the boss married his gorgeous young secre- tary. Soon, however, she was tired of being left alone on weekends, so she decided to take up golf. She arranged for a series of lessons with the young pro. He put a club in her hands and told her to swing. "Not bad," he said. "I think you might be a natural. But you've got to hold the club gen- tly." "How gently?" she asked. "Well," he said " hold it as if it were your husband's penis." The woman complied. "Much better," the pro said after a couple of swings. "Now if you take the club out of your mouth, you'll be fine." Sam, the owner of a small business, hired a consultant to critique his company's operations. The consultant gave Sam some bad news. "Your sales group is too large. You need to get rid of one of your two sales- men in order to stay afloat," he was told. This greatly upset Sam, for his two salespeople, Jack and Mary, were both very hard workers. He took their folders home with him in the hopes of discovering some flaw which would help him make a decision. But alas, their recent work had been superb. Sam then decided that the only thing left to do was to resort to random chance. He decided that he would fire whoever came into work first the next morning! The next day Sam was waiting to see who would show up first. Into the office walks Mary, who promptly went to her desk. Well, Mary has to go, and now I have to tell her, thought Sam. So Sam goes over to Mary and says, "I don't know quite how to break this to you Mary....It's been a very tough decision for me....but last night I told myself that I either have to lay Mary or Jack off." So Mary says, "Look, you better jack off 'cause I have a headache." A young woman married and proceeded to have seven children. Her husband died an early death, so she remarried. With her second husband she had another seven children. Unfortunatly, her second husband died. She remarried for a third time, and over a period of time gave birth to six more children by her third husband. The poor woman died of exhaustion. At the funeral, a couple of women were sitting together by themselves. One leaned over to the other and said. "They're finally together." The second woman replied. "What, her husbands?" The first one replied. "No, her knees." Once upon a time there was a young man who liked to wrestle. He had done well in the NCAA competitions at college and decided to turn pro. Although people told him that profession wrestling was nothing like the college sport, he persevered in his desire, found himself a manager and entered the pro circuit. Being a clean-cut young lad and a good wrestler to boot, he became very popular and successful under the ring name 'The Kid.' The Kid did so well, in fact, that he soon began to think about a title match. Now the champion at this time was a mean, ugly and vicious swine called Mad Dog McGurk. Mad Dog's success was entirely due to his secret weapon, the pretzel hold. This was a cruel hold in which Mad Dog would tie his opponent's limbs into knots while kneeing him in the back and trying to bite his ears off. In this way, Mad Dog had sent several wrestlers to the hospi- tal with broken bones -- it was even rumored that one opponent had died as a result of his injuries. The Kid's manager, Jack, argued long and hard that Mad Dog was much too wily and ring-wise for The Kid to take on. But The Kid had great faith in himself and finally talked Jack into setting up a title bout. On the night of the bout, Jack's last words of advice were: "Kid, stay away from him -- don't let him near enough to use the pretzel hold." Then came the sound of the bell and the match was on. The Kid was doing well in the early rounds, staying loose, moving fast and scoring points. Suddenly, at the beginning of the fourth round, The Kid slipped in a patch of sweat and fell heavily to the mat. Mad Dog was on him in an instant and immediately grappled him into the dreaded pretzel hold. Jack, at ringside, despaired when he saw this, knowing that it was all over. He covered his head with his arms because he couldn't bear to watch the carnage. Suddenly, a great roar rose up from the crowd! Jack looked up to see an amazing sight. The Kid had Mad Dog by one ankle and was swinging him around and around. He threw Mad Dog to the mat, danced on his face for awhile, and finally dropped on him for the pin and the victory! The Kid was carried from the ring on the shoulders of his adoring fans, followed by his bewildered manager. Jack caught up with The Kid in the dressing room and demanded to know what in hell had happened. The Kid said, "Well, I was doing fine until I slipped. Then Mad Dog got me in the pretzel hold -- the pain was so bad I passed out for a moment. When I came to, right in front of my eyes, was a loose jockstrap and a sack of nuts hanging out. So I bit 'em!" "Jack, you'll never know what you're capable of until you bite yourself in the nuts." There was a woman who loved the game show Jeopardy and she watched it every night. While it was on one night her husband was in the kitchen making tea and he dropped the pot on his foot and yelled "Jesus Christ". From the other room his wife yelled back "Who is the son of God?" Cows - a bovine experience. Great big gobs of greasy, grimey, gopher's guts, Mutilated monkey meat, Little birdies dirty feet. Great big gobs of greasy grimey gopher's guts, And I forgot my spoon! Vegetarians eat vegetables;I'm a humanitarian "Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock." Hear about the man who was half Japanese and half Negro? Every December 7th he attacks Pearl Bailey! I met this girl last night, she was half French, and half Chinese. When I took her home, she ate my laundry! 2B|^2B Message about Shakespeare (-_-) Secret smile <{:-)} Message in a bottle... <:-)<<| Message from a space rocket... (:-... Heart-breaking message... <<<<(:-) Message from a hat sales-man... (:>-< Message from a thief: hands up! <I==I) A message on four wheels The little cabbage in the field was consulting its mother about life. "Life," said the mother "is a gamble; you've got to withstand storms, drought, wind, animals--not to mention bugs, lice, mold, rot. But, if you don't give up, you'll thrive and grow." "Life certainly is a gamble," agreed the little cabbage, "but there's one thing you haven't made clear: when do I quit growing?" "As in any other gamble," said Mother Cabbage, "quit when you're a head!" I knew this eccentric Frenchman who raises carp in the south of France. When the carp are full grown, he catches them, skins them, and makes men's wallets out of the skins. He is, in fact, a man known for his carp to carp walleting. Speaking of Spiney Norman, a Hedgehog: Not many people are aware that he doesn't work alone; much of the time he is accompanied by Celeste, a giant shark. I didn't realize it myself until I spent a vacation in the islands. Unfortunately I happened to pick a time when the two of them were terrorizing the countryside. One day I went down to the beach prepared to do some jogging and maybe ride the waves when I noticed this palm tree at the shore had been almost completely devoured by some giant creature. I asked a native whether the tree had been destroyed by Norman or Celste and he asked me why I cared. My response was "If Norman ate it I will not run, if Celeste did I will not surf". And of course you heard about the Pole and the Czech who went hunting... The rangers had warned them about the bears, but they felt they were well enough equipped. So when the two were two days late the rangers went into the forest to find them. Their campsite was a shambles, but no sign could be found of the two hunters; but from the behavior of a couple of bears in the neighborhood, the rangers were sure they knew what had happened. They shot the bears, and cut them open. They found the remains of the Pole in the female. The Czech was in the male. There was a girl from Dung-D Who got raped by an ape in a tree. The results were most horrid, all ass and no forehead, 3 balls an a purple gautee... There once was a Lady from Whealing. Who had a Very Particular Feeling. She'd Lay on he Back. And Piddle with he Crack. And Pee All over the cieling I know what I believe in. I believe I'll have another beer. Sticker: ' I'm not as stoned as you think I am! ' Sticker: ' If you're a real Canadian, show me your beaver! ' Sticker: ' There are no good losers- just good actors. ' For the grand opening of a super-de-luxe deli in Vegas, the proud owner stopped at nothing to shout the news about! He even hired two ping-pong players to play on a table in front of the new deli. Since it WAS a deli, the players used pickles instead of balls, and the crowd cheered wildly as the pickles were batted back and forth across the net. They called it, of course, "The Volley of the Dills." When Thomas Edison invented the lightbulb, he had trouble selling it. People just didn't trust this "new" way of making light. In order to promote his idea he decided to go around the country installing lights in different towns in order to drum up publicity. While in Oklahoma, Edison stopped by an Indian reservation and offered to put lights in any building they wanted. After much thought the Indian chief decided that he wanted lights in his outhouse, so he could see what he was doing at night. This made him the first man to wire a head for a reservation! There once was a woman from Sydney Who could take it in up to her kidney But a man from Quebec Put it up to her neck He had a big one, didn't he? Jack be nimble Jack be quick Jack jumped over the candlestick But Jack was slow And Jack wasn't quick Jack caught fire and burnt his pants. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be! Harry Sharp finally developed a way to clone human beings. To test it, he made a duplicate of himself, and took the duplicate before a board of peers. However, Harry's system had some bugs. At the review, Harry, asked his duplicate to recite the method of cloning for the board, upon which the duplicate recited the most foul string of obscenities ever heard. Harry was aghast, and struck the duplicate, causing it to fall to it's death from the 5th floor room they were in. Harry was arrested and charged with making an obscene clone fall. Bob had been out diving off the Florida Keys for days looking for sunken treasure, but had had no luck. One day, while wading back onto the beach, he tripped over a chest filled with diamonds, rubies, and emeralds! Bob was heard to say as he carried the chest away, "Well it just goes to show you that booty is only shin deep!" Never try to outstubborn a cat. How do frogs die? Ker-mit suicide One evening, a little boy greets his father after work, and notices a condom fall out of the pocket as the man takes off his coat. Dear old dad doesn't notice until the child opens the packet and examines the device close-up. "Daddy, what's this for?" he asks innocently. "Er, um, that's to keep my cigarettes dry when it's raining out! Yeah." The boy is satisfied with the explanation and goes about his buisness. A week goes by, and the kid remembers that tomorrow is his father's birthday. He scrimps up as much change as he can and heads for the Five & Ten shop, looking for a gift. The first thing he notices is a condom display rack. Excitedly, he approaches a clerk. "Miss, are those Trojans over there?" he asks excitedly. "Um, yes they are, little boy..." the clerk answers unsurely. "I wanna buy a box!" he proudly announces. "Yes, of course. And what size will that be?" "I don't care, as long as they're big enough to fit a Camel! " How many women do you know that you CAN trust?!?! One. She is not born yet and her mother is dead. A bald guy was talking to a friend. He said his wife had been kidding him that his bald head felt just like her ass. The friend reached out and rubbed his head, nodded wisely and said, "You know, she's right!" For further information.. send $5.00..NOW! Why does a computer and a woman have in common? -You have to punch information into both of them. Why do women have legs? -So they don't leave a trail like a slug. What's the purpose of a woman? -Cat life-support system. What's the first thing a gentleman does with his a-hole in the morning? -Wakes her up and gets her to make coffee. What's awesome, blonde, blue and red at the same time? -My girlfriend watching me type this- AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!! "Being Sexy Isn't Easy, but Someone's Gotta Do It!" "There are some things I like about you, but I can't put my fingers on them..." "Being close to you truly warms my heart. Plus a few other places I can't mention." Go ask Alice when she's ten feet tall. I did. I went fishing one day, just for the halibut. All I caught was a haddock, So I went home and took too many aspirins, And then my herring got impaired. It's not that I don't trust you Or is it? Did you hear about the 2 men from the monastery who opened up a fast food seafood restaurant?? One was the fish friar, and the other was the chip monk. What do you get when you toss a hand grenade into a kitchen in France???? Linoleum blown-apart. "Get the point?," he said sharply! How do you tell the sex of a chromosome? Take down its genes. I used to make a lot of puns about autos. Hood ever believe you'd get such mileage from them? You could have fueled me! I used to invite this gal to my apartment to help me make hamburgers. I called her my grille friend! Hear about the woman that used a glass diaphragm? She wanted a womb with a view. You all know about the 2 Pollacks that went bear-hunting? They saw a sign in the road that said "Bear Left", so they turned around and went home... There was a man who painted rabbits all over his bald head Claimed they looked like hares from a distance. Up at Dartmouth, there's a biologist experimenting with changing the behavior patterns of rodents. When asked about his work, he usually says he pulls habits out of rats. A student at Boston University wavered for some time between a career as a proctologist or a job as a barber. He eventually flipped a coin to see how it came out; heads... or tails. After his classroom had been remodeled, the college professor was heard mooning about, missing the good old dais. A young man returned from a dance at a coastal resort. He was sporting a huge black eye. When asked if he had run into a door, he replied he had been struck by the beauty of the place. Similar story deals with the two Ukrainians (Canadian version of Polack) who had hired on at the telephone company. The foreman sent them out into the pole yard to see how high the poles stacked there were. After they had been gone for 15 minutes, he went out to see what was causing the delay. One of them was holding a pole upright in his arms, while his parter was up the pole in his climbing irons, with a measuring tape in has hands. "What the hell are you two doing? he asked. "Measure them on the ground!" The guy holding the pole turned and said, "You said measure how high, not how long!" Two Ukrainians went hunting. One accidentally shot the other. The shootee rushed the shot to the hospital and watched while they wheeled his friend into the O.R. Ten minutes later the doctor came out peeling off is gloves and shaking his head. Our friend Worriedly asked, "He not make it Doctor?" The doctor said his friend was dead. "Anything I should of done?" asked the shooter. "Well," replied the doctor, "if that ever happens to you again, for goodness sake, don't gut him!" Did ya hear about the distraught Polish secretary? She thought her typewriter was pregnant because it kept missing periods.... Bumper stickers on taxis: Kamakazis do it once. Urban Assult Vehicle. Signs with one letter missing: At a car wash - "_OUCHLESS CAR WASH SYSTEM" At a Wendy's - "NOW HIRING FULL TIME _LOSERS" Other signs: On an asphalt truck - "LET US FILL YOUR CRACK" At an office - "ACE EXTERMINATING - WE KILL BUGS DEAD WALK-IN'S WELCOME" At a muffler shop - "NO MUFF TOO TOUGH FOR US" At a garden shop - "WE NOW HAVE KRICKET KRAP" On a gov't issue car - "FULTON COUNTY DISASTER COORDINATOR" Groan Groan Groan Groan Groan Groan Start here > Groan Won't you listen to a groan up - Please no more PUN-ishment. So this sweet little old Jewish lady is walking down the street when she's suddenly accosted by a flasher -- the man jumps in front of her and whips open his coat! The lady stops, peers forward intently, and sniffs "Hah! You call that a LINING?!?" Walk softly and carry a megawatt laser Three old Ladies were walking down the stree when a Flasher came out and Flashed them. The First old Lady had a Stroke and the Second old Lady had a stroke but the Third old lady couldn't reach it! A lad of 12 was a dedicated stamp collector; until the kid next door bought an album also. "He buys every stamp I do," the kid complained to his father, "and had taken all the fun of it away." "Don't be a fool, my boy," said pop. "Remember, imitation is the sincerest form of philately." What do you call a barber who cuts hair in a library? A barbarian!! A man went into a drug store and asked for some liniment. "Walk this way" said the clerk. The man said: "If I could walk that way, I wouldn't need the liniment"! A man went into a drug store and asked the clerk: "Do you have cotton balls?" "No you idiot!", said the clerk, "What do you think I am, a rag doll?"! "But I DO work in a pretzel factory", he thought in his twisted mind! Oops!, sorry, I was miles away... Definition of a "commentator" - an average potato. My friend just fell in love with the head nurse at the hospital where he is - I guess you can say that he's taken a turn for the nurse! And his brother the experimental Psychologist is still pulling habits out of a rat. Which reminds me of the dinner party I was at last night. It was a candlelight affair; so when the hostess fell backwards onto the table I shouted "You'll burn your end at both candles!" And why couldn't the loutish baseball umpire have his little boy sit in his lap? Because the son never sits on the brutish umpire. Long ago, Elmir the Curious sailed a small craft far away. He sought the Elixir of Youth. It was said that a bush grew somewhere along the river bank, the leaves of which, when cooked for many hours, produced a substance which could ward off the effects of age. One afternoon he happened upon the bush!!! He cooked two vials of a strange pungent substance, and called all the elders of the city, explaining that he was prepared to sell his Elixir of Youth. How do we know it will work, they asked. Elmir was incensed by these doubts. As they watched he drank it all himself. He never spoke of it again, though he lived for many years. Many inquired, but his lips were sealed. You see, he had invented Elmir's glue. Hear about the Polacks shoes? They had TGIF on the top. "Toes go in first" Jack: Dack says he's related to you, and he can prove it. Mack: Dack's a fool. Jack: Well, yes, but that could be a coincidence. Don't blame me, I voted for Bill 'n' Opus! Sally: I've lost my dog. Allie: Why don't you put an ad in the paper? Sally: That wouldn't help. My dog can't read. Will: How much will it cost to take me to the train station? Taxi driver: Five dollars, sir. Will: How much will you charge to take my suitcase? Taxi driver: There's no charge for the suitcase. WIll: In that case, take the suitcase and I'll walk. There was once a small snail who always dreamed of becoming a race-car driver.One day he heard that an uncle of his had died and left him some money!Now his dream could be realized! He bought himself a car,souped it up, and then painted a large red "S" on it. When he was at his first race,a friend of his asked him why he had painted the big red "S" on the car? Simple,the snail replied; when people see my car go zooming down the,track I want them all to exclaim: Oh look!! See the S car go!!!!!!!!!!!! I saw a sign for a doctor of Proctology in Columbia, MO, that said: "Parking in Rear" Q: Hear what Evil Kenevil's latest death defying stunt is going to be? A: Walking across Newfoundland dressed as an Alter-boy. What do you call a CAT who looks like yesterdays lunch? BARFIELD.. Did you hear about the queer electron that used to go around blowing fuses. If ever I were punished For every little pun I said There wouldn't be a puny shread left of my punnish head. The Golden Buddha Chinese Restaurant not far from my house has a sign that says "Additional Parking in Rear of Golden Buddha..." Have you ever noticed that the dictionary is ALREADY in alphabetical order?!? From the JOKIN' AROUND DISK by LEEJAN ENTERPRISES P.O. Box 66. Happy Valley. South Australia. 5159.